Hell: Is It Real? Is It Eternal?

I was recently given the opportunity to substitute teach at a local Christian school on the subject of hell. This issue is at the forefront of the Christian community right now because of Rob Bell’s book Love Wins. First of all, this is a huge and difficult issue to talk about because of its nature and the sheer number of places that this issue touches. Sin, salvation, Scripture, and free will are just examples of the areas that this issue is a part of. Secondly, as Rob Bell has shown, this is not a simple black and white issue. Third, I heard a podcast recently about certain doctrines in Christianity that we like to call “closet doctrines.” These are doctrines that we believe, but that we don’t really want others to know we believe. And this is one of those doctrines. It’s a tough doctrine to believe and a tough doctrine to defend, especially because the subject is so emotionally loaded, but I believe that when we come to a biblical understanding of the glory of God and a biblical understanding of our sin, there is only one logical conclusion.

First of all, let’s give Rob Bell his props. He has his undergrad degree from Wheaton College and his Masters of Divinity degree from Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California. As much as those who strongly disagree with Bell would like, he cannot be simply dismissed. He is not a theological lightweight. He has studied this issue in depth and when Rob Bell talks, a lot of people listen. I believe that in order to understand Rob Bell, you need to understand his theology. He is a proponent of narrative theology (also called post-liberal theology) which proposes that the church’s use of the Bible focus on a narrative presentation of the faith as regulative for the development of a coherent and systematic theology. This can really be seen in the very first chapter of his break-out book Velvet Elvis. He talks of doctrines not being walls to defend, but springs on a trampoline. While I get what he is trying to say, his theology feels a little…well…”springy” to me. As much as we would like to think that the changing of certain theological beliefs would not alter Christianity, that’s simply not true. He gives the example of a “what if” scenario that involved us discovering irrefutable evidence that Jesus was not virgin-born. If that happened, would it destroy Christianity? The answer is yes. It would destroy orthodox Christianity. It would deny the divinity of Christ and thus would deny His ability to be the substitutionary atonement for our sin on the cross and any version of Christianity that was left after that would not really be Christianity, but some watered-down version of a moral religion. It’s all related. But Bell thinks different. While in one breath affirming the orthodox view of the virgin birth of Christ, he also says that the denial of that belief does not destroy Christianity. It is very clear that Bell has a very different idea of what Christianity is than has been historically defined.

With that all being said, Bell does present some strong arguments for hell not being the hell that we have taught all these years. In order to tackle this issue, I first came up with a working definition of hell that I had some help with from my ESV Study Bible. Hell is “an eternal condition of torment cut off from the presence of God.” There are several places that this definition can be attacked, but first of all, let’s start with the obvious. What is the evidence that hell actually exists? The evidence exists primarily in the Bible, the infallible word of God. If you do not believe that the Bible is infallible (or inerrant, if you will), then obviously, you have reason to believe that hell does not exist. The Bible is replete with examples of hell. Just pick up a Bible dictionary and look up the word. We’ll get to the actual words used for “hell” in the Bible in a moment, but let’s take this subject way back to the beginning. If there is a hell, who deserves to go there? The Bible is very clear; we all do. Why? Because we are all sinners and have fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). The glory of God is the standard and not one of us has not violated that standard. But God gives us his grace to free us from that judgment if we accept Christ as Lord and Savior. And let me make this clear: I believe and affirm that Jesus Christ is the only way to God the Father. Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, or any other religion besides Christianity, does not affirm that Jesus Christ is the only way to a relationship with God, therefore, I believe that they are in error and those that do not receive God’s grace through Jesus Christ will go to a “place” that is cut off from His grace.

Or will they? Universal Reconciliationists believe that ultimately all people will be reconciled to God and be with Him. In their belief, if one does not accept Christ in this life, they will be given the opportunity after death to accept Christ and they will. They point to passages like Ephesians 1:9-10 and Colossians 1:20 as evidence for this. However, the context of these verses does not imply or infer that all will be reconciled to Christ. God is not regenerating their will to accept Him after death. We are not talking about people willingly coming to Christ. We are talking about the quelling of a rebellion. These people are not coming to God on their own free will; they are coming to Him as defeated enemies. When the United States defeated the Empire of Japan in August, 1945, we did not convert them to our side. We dropped two massive bombs to end the war and when they surrendered, it was not from their own free will. The Empire of Japan was defeated. So it is with those who will bow to Christ in the end. It will not be of their own free will. It will be as defeated foes.

So, assuming that these defeated foes are not going to heaven, where would they go? There are only two options here: hell or obliteration. This is where it gets a little tricky. There are some evangelical theologians who do argue for the latter. Most of these would argue that the unbeliever would go to hell, but only for a limited period of time. In other words, these theologians believe that hell is not eternal, even though, at least in English, our Bibles use the word. One argument that Bell brings up is the linguistic argument. The Greek words usually translated “eternal punishment” are “aion kolazo.” Most of us are familiar with the first word because of the phrase “aions of time” or something like that. “Aion” is indeed an age or a period of time. The more controversial word is “kolazo.” This is a horticultural term that refers to pruning or “a time of trimming” or “an intense period of correction.” The other words used for hell are “sheol” in Hebrew which refers to a general place of the dead; “hades,” which is the Greek word for “sheol,”; ”tartarus,” which is only used one time in the Scriptures in one of the epistles of Peter and is a borrowed term from Greek mythology that refers to the underworld or “abyss”; and “Gehenna,” a term originally referring to the valley of Hinnom, south of Jerusalem, where the filth, garbage, and dead animals of the city were cast out and burned. I don’t really have the time to address each use of the words, but two of the strongest objections to the doctrine of eternal hell are “kolazo” and “Gehenna.” Some view the use of the world “Gehenna” as a strict metaphor for waste in the sense that it does not refer to hell, but rather was a word picture. I believe it is indeed a word picture, but more importantly that Jesus referred to it as a word picture because it was the closest way to illustrate what hell might be like. In other words, I believe Jesus was using this word to refer to a literal hell.

I do think that Bell brings up a very strong argument here for hell being a definite time period as opposed to eternal. But how do you counter that we often talk about “eternal life” in the church, but we don’t talk about “eternal death?” How is it that it seems logical (or at least comforting) to believe that we will have eternal life, but not logical that the unbeliever will experience eternal death? The argument that I have personally heard is that the term “eternal death” is an oxymoron. If death is definitive, then how can one experience that eternally?
One different perspective on this is to look at the issue of sin. Both Calvinists, Arminians, and those in between affirm the doctrine of Total Depravity. The doctrine of Total Depravity says that sin has affected our whole person. Paul says it best when he calls us “slaves to sin” (Romans 6:17). There is not one aspect of ourselves that is not affected by sin. This includes our motivations and our free will. We do not possess the ability to accept Christ much like I don’t have the ability to jump to the moon. Furthermore, our free will is also affected. Apart from the working of the Holy Spirit, I do not have the ability to accept Christ and even if I made a “decision” to accept Christ apart from the Holy Spirit, my motivations are depraved and that makes the decision null and void. Calvinists solve this problem with Unconditional Election, which says that God unconditionally elects some to salvation based upon no conditions at all. The Holy Spirit then, through the process of regeneration (the objective work of God) “repairs” the will in order for the elect one to possess the faith to accept Christ and subsequently repent of their sins. Arminians solve this problem by the doctrine of Prevenient Grace. This doctrine states that God gives to everyone a grace that allows them to accept or reject the Holy Spirit. Thus, the regeneration of a person happens after their decision and not before. I said all of that to make the point that whether you are Calvinist, Arminian, or somewhere in between, an objective act of God is still needed for the unbeliever to accept Christ. Since this is the case, it helps us understand just what the depths of our depravity are. We’re not talking about an “oops.” “Sorry God, I didn’t mean to offend you.” We are talking about something so innocuous that leads Paul to describe the unbeliever as “dead in sin” (Ephesians 2). If God’s glory is the highest thing that can be thought of besides God Himself, a God that is infinite in His being, then it seems logical that that infinity is also included on the other side. In other words, the believer has eternal life, a glorious existence with God, and the unbeliever has eternal death, a horrible existence apart from God’s presence. It seems logical then that the violation of something infinitely glorious should have infinite consequences.

Secondly, if we affirm that hell exists, where is it? The truth is, I don’t know. And I think any attempt to try and point to it on a map is ridiculous. That is why I described hell as a “condition.” It cannot be in the earth, as some have said, because we will have a new heaven and new earth. It could be “out there” in the universe somewhere, but I simply don’t know. The problem though that we have with saying that hell may not be a physical place is that, using the same logic as above, we could argue that heaven isn’t a real place. I do believe that much of the language describing heaven is symbolic, but I have a hard time imagining that it is not an actual place. I do think though that my definition stating that hell is a “condition” still leaves room for hell to be an actual place.

Third, the Bible is clear that hell will be full of torment. There is often a tendency in our zeal to preach and teach on hell to overemphasize the physical torments of hell, the issues of fire, darkness, and death. However, I think it is more important to recognize that hell will be full of torment because first and foremost, there will be no presence of God. Now here is another tricky one. If God is omnipresent (everywhere all the time) and hell is an actual place, then wouldn’t that mean that God is in hell? I think this lends support to my definition that hell may not be an actual place, but a condition. If it is a condition, then this argument is null and void. This also may speak to what we mean by the presence of God. One of the students in the class brought this up and I thought it was a great argument. What do we really mean by the presence of God? Is it his physical presence (isn’t God a spirit)? Or are we maybe talking about his influence? It was tempting to talk about hell being the absence of the glory of God, but if hell is about the violation of God’s glory, then hell must exist to glorify God.

Some of you just went…”What?! Hell exists to glorify God?! How does that work?!”

James Hamilton puts it this way:
“In sum, hell glorifies God because
• it shows that he keeps his word;
• it shows his infinite worth, lasting forever;
• it demonstrates his power to subdue all who rebel against him;
• it shows how unspeakably merciful he is to those who trust him;
• it upholds the reality of love by visiting justice against those who reject God, who is love;
• it vindicates all who suffered to hear or proclaim the truth of God’s word;
• and it shows the enormity of what Jesus accomplished when he died to save all who would trust him from the hell they deserved. If there were no hell, there would be no need for the cross.”

It’s tough, isn’t it? To think of hell in such a way grates us. But I think that my ultimate conclusion here is that the eternal punishment of hell is the only logical and biblical answer to violations to the eternal glory of God. In short, the punishment fits the crime.

I think it is important to mention again that I do not believe that the belief in an eternal hell is an essential to salvation. Indeed, many evangelical theologians believe that hell is not eternal or at least raise serious objections, but in my opinion, hell is real and hell is eternal, and trust me, you don’t want to go there. Hell exists to glorify God, for it is only through Him that we find our ultimate reason for living, the eternal and matchless glory of God.

Soli Deo Gloria!

"Will We See Thomas Jefferson In Heaven?"

Now on to more pressing issues...

As I said, there has been a recent conversation that popped up on my Facebook page regarding politics and religion. I have researched this quite a bit and have some rather strong opinions about it. I am convinced that the marriage of politics and religion is extremely dangerous.

I borrowed the title of this blog from chapter six of Dean Merrill's Sinners In The Hands of An Angry Church. I read this book in 1999 for an undergrad class at Tyndale. Merrill's website says this of the author:

I’m a former magazine editor (Campus Life, Leadership Journal, Christian Herald) and editorial director (David C. Cook, Focus on the Family) who has written seven books and coauthored more than 20 others. My works have twice been honored by the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association with Gold Medallion awards, while another was named Christian Book of the Year.
 
I’ve had the privilege to travel widely overseas, especially during my seven years as a vice president at International Bible Society (now Biblica). I am currently a mentor with Partners in Publishing, a small group that seeks to help Christian publishers in the developing world. My favorite part of the globe to visit is Africa.
 
My bachelor’s degree was earned at Christian Life College (Chicago) and my master of arts in journalism at Syracuse University. My wife and I live in Colorado Springs, Colorado; we’re the proud parents of three and the grandparents of ten

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I'm getting that out in the open because I know that Merrill is not a politician or historian by trade but in chapter six of this book, he makes some great points, one of which being that the idea of the “good old days” of America is a myth. Here are some of his examples:

-In the middle of the 19th century, New York City had one prostitute for every 64 men.

-The mayor of Savannah estimated that the city had one prostitute for every 39 men.

-Abortion was as proportionately frequent on the eve of the Civil War as it is now, 160,000 abortions in 1860 in a non-slave population of 27 million.

-In the 1930's, during the Great Depression, while divorce rates fell, domestic violence rose sharply.

-Murder rates in the 1930's were as high as in the 1980's.

-While 20% of American children live in poverty today, 20% of kids in 1900 lived in orphanages.

-In the 19th century, the age of consent in some states was 9 or 10 years old.

-Prior to the 1920's, no law required a divorcing father to pay child support.

-In a 1943 LIFE article, the rising statistics of juvenile delinquency were reported on, including the rise of drug use, sexual promiscuity, train wrecking, hoodlumism (a very 1940's word), willful destruction of war materials and other property, arson, assault, rape and murder

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Merrill also makes the point that this exercise of myth building goes back further than the 19th century. How many of you had heard these quotes?

“Whosoever shall introduce into public affairs the principles of primitive Christianity will change the face of the world.”--Benjamin Franklin

“It is religion and morality alone which can establish the principles upon which freedom can surely stand.”--John Adams

“It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible.”--George Washington

“I have always said, and always will say, that the studious perusal of the Sacred Volume will make better citizens, better fathers, and better husbands.”--Thomas Jefferson

“America is great because America is good, and if America ever ceases to be good, she will cease to be great.”--French Observer Alexis de Tocqueville

Merrill points out that David Barton compiled a list of these quotes and of the above five quotes, only one has been proven historically, the Adams quote. It seems that our well-intentioned patriots have crafted an American myth of sorts to somehow make the claim that the United States of America is a Christian nation. Well, let's dispel that myth right now. America is not a Christian nation. In case you thought you misread that, I will write it again.

America is not a Christian nation.

Never has been. Never was.

Before you start on me, here is what I am NOT saying. I am NOT saying that this country was not founded on Judeo-Christian ethics. Most of our founding fathers, while not being Christians (as you will see below) had a great deal of respect for the life of Christ, holding him as the highest example in proper ethics, but they rejected any claim of his being supernatural,let alone being deity.

The founding fathers of this country were deists. According to the website, Deism is “...the recognition of a universal creative force greater than that demonstrated by mankind, supported by personal observation of laws and designs in nature and the universe, perpetuated and validated by the innate ability of human reason coupled with the rejection of claims made by individuals and organized religions of having received special divine revelation.”

Did you catch that? Deism defines God as “a universal creative force greater than that demonstrated by mankind.” That doesn't sound like a Christian God. Merrill makes the point that often in the documents of the founding fathers, you find the word “reason” capitalized. They viewed reason as a god of sorts and believed that most problems could be solved with the human mind. This religion or way of thinking was a direct result of a philosophical movement called the Enlightenment, a movement which asserted that humankind had been enlightened by some sort of higher power and “Reason” would lead them to all truth.

Want to know what our founding fathers believed? Here's what some of them believed:

-While George Washington, our first President, was a member of the Anglican Church, most men were members of the church because of their desire to influence society. Most of the stories that surround him and his Christianity are now considered myth, such as the story of him and the cherry tree. In many of his writings, he referred to “providence” with a capital “P,” a further indicator of his deistic beliefs.

-John Adams was raised a Congregationalist, but ultimately rejected many fundamental doctrines of conventional Christianity, such as the Trinity and the divinity of Jesus, becoming a Unitarian.

-Thomas Jefferson was a man so hostile to Christianity that he scissored from his Bible all references to miracles. He was, as the Freedom From Religion Foundation tells us, "a Deist, opposed to orthodox Christianity and the supernatural." In all four references in the Declaration of Independence to God, they were at best acknowledgements of Him as Creator, giver of rights, and the “Supreme Judge.” The last reference is a simple acknowledgment of “Divine Providence,” clearly a deist term.

-James Madison wrote this in his Memorial and Remonstrance against Religious Assessments: "During almost fifteen centuries has the legal establishment of Christianity been on trial. What have been its fruits? More or less in all places, pride and indolence in the Clergy, ignorance and servility in the laity; in both, superstition, bigotry and persecution." He also said, "What influence, in fact, have ecclesiastical establishments had on society? In some instances they have been seen to erect a spiritual tyranny on the ruins of the civil authority; on many instances they have been seen upholding the thrones of political tyranny; in no instance have they been the guardians of the liberties of the people. Rulers who wish to subvert the public liberty may have found an established clergy convenient auxiliaries. A just government, instituted to secure and perpetuate it, needs them not."

-In James Monroe's first inaugural address, Monroe praises the concept of religious freedom, boasting that Americans may worship "the Divine Author" in any manner they choose. This same address declares that "the favor of a gracious Providence" has guided the United States. It concludes with Monroe declaring that he enters the presidential office with "fervent prayers to the Almighty that He will be graciously pleased to continue to us that protection which he [sic] has already so conspicuously displayed in our favor." Monroe's second inaugural address speaks of his "firm reliance on the protection of Almighty God." When his speeches refer to the Deity, he uses only the stock Deistic phrases.

-Benjamin Franklin just simply says it: "Some books against Deism fell into my hands. . . It happened that they wrought an effect on my quite contrary to what was intended by them; for the arguments of the Deists, which were quoted to be refuted, appeared to me much stronger than the refutations; in short, I soon became a through Deist.”

The above quotes were found doing a very simple Google search. While I am not one to believe everything on the internet (if it prints, it has to be true, right?!), these quotes were well documented. And Merrill lists even more evidence that I am not including here. Again, hear what I am NOT saying. I am not saying that ALL of our founding fathers were not Christians. Patrick Henry, John Jay, and John Witherspoon are examples of Christians as founding fathers. But they were the exception and not the rule. It is simple Christian (well-intentioned) myth building that leads us to believe this. Historically and academically, the claims that the United States of America is a Christian nation just simply does not stand the test of scrutiny.

One of the surface things that really bug me about this assertion is that it is so easily debunked, but yet many well-meaning pastors preach from their pulpits that we need to return to the roots of our country. While anyone that knows me, knows that I am a political conservative, I am more concerned about the truth than being conservative. I can assure you that if the truth ever led me to a more liberal way of thinking, I would go there. I thank God that I am able to say that and I feel very blessed to be able to say it because I know that often, Christians will not allow themselves to think anything other than what they have been told because they are afraid of the results. We should never ignore truth because we are afraid of the consequences.

The truth is that history is replete with examples, both contemporary and historical, of what happens when religion and politics converge. The news has been non-stop in the last 48 hours of the death of Osama bin Laden. Do we need a better example? This man tethered his religious convictions to his politics and the result has been thousands dead. Examples of this are all over the Muslim world, from Muamar Gaddafi to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, all contemporary examples of the dangers of this. But unless we think that we are immune, our own Christian history is filled with examples, the most obvious being Emperor Constantine and further on down the line with the Crusades. Religion and politics should be kept apart.

Again, I am not saying that you shouldn't use your religion as a basis for your voting. I certainly do, but we shouldn't just simply tow the party line because, as most of us conservative evangelicals were taught, “Republicans are good and Democrats are bad.” It's simply not that black and white.

That has been one result of the coupling of religion and politics, but another has been the idea that the only political issues that Christians care about are abortion and the so-called “gay agenda.” These are not the only issues. This belief that the United States is a Christian nation has led us to justify our so-called right to invade other countries on the pretext that since God has blessed this country, we have the right to do whatever we want, a divine right, if you will. As I told a friend recently, Jesus represents the ultimate freedom and that is the only cause that I really ever want to fight for. That's not to say that I don't have a huge amount of respect for members of our armed services, but we don't have a divine right to invade other countries, unless it is a means of national defense. As a matter of fact, it is unconstitutional, clearly stated in the Constitution which by the way, never even mentions God.

The coupling has also lead us to believe, whether we want to admit to it or not, that God must be capitalist. I mean, if you don't work, you shouldn't eat, right? Nevermind that some of these “capitalist” policies have led to banks and corporations getting filthy rich off of the ignorance of the poor, and I'm not just talking about taxes here.

There are numerous other issues that I think have been a direct or indirect result of this idea that we are a Christian nation. I could go on a while, but I won't. You get the point. So lets get some conversation going. If the United States is not a Christian nation, then how does that change how we view and do things? What other things would change if we really understand this?

A Little Bit Stonger

There has been some recent debate on my Facebook wall about some religious and political issues and I want to write a full blog post on that, but first of all, I wanted to blog just about some things on my heart.

Thank you to all of you who have continued to pray for me and my situation. I have now relocated back to North Carolina and I am temporarily staying with my parents until I can find a more permanent living situation. Speaking of, I have been looking for work around here and it is just as tough, if not tougher than Ohio, to find work here. I think that a lot of companies are intimidated by the Masters Degree and when you apply online, which most places require now, you're not able to give a good reason why you are applying for a customer service position when you have a Masters in Religion. I did have a good phone interview with a company on Friday, so we'll see how that plays out, but I really need prayer right now that I can find a job. Having a job right now would solve a lot of problems that are happening.

Those of you that have ever felt the compulsion to write know that a writer doesn't just write because it's his or her job. Writers write because they have to. What I have found in my own life is that, like a good batch of Carolina moonshine, my thoughts take a while to distill before I can put them on paper, even in my personal journal. So here are some of my thoughts as of late. Some of them are very raw,

I have many well-intentioned people tell me to remain in prayer about my marriage, that somehow it might be able to be saved. I know that God is in the miracle working business, but often people say things to me that at least imply that if I have enough faith, my marriage can be saved. The problem is not lack of faith on my part. I have no doubt that my marriage could be saved, but it requires the willingness of both parties. My wife has simply just been unwilling to reconcile. When you give your heart to someone and it is ripped to shreds, at some point, you decide that you need to take that heart back to keep further damage from happening. That's where I'm at right now. I've taken my heart back and I'm trying to put bandages on it until God can allow me to be in a place where it can be healed.

I have had people speak to me about covenants. Most of them share the idea with me that covenants are sacred promises that cannot be broken...ever. The problem with this line of thinking is that they fail to understand that there are different types of covenants. In other words, when we use the word “covenant,” we use it to mean many different things. The biggest example that people usually use toward me is that God made a covenant with Israel and despite Israel's behavior, he will keep his end of the covenant. While that is true, the only unconditional part of the covenant was that God would not change. He makes it very clear that the covenant is conditional (Genesis 17:10-14, Exodus 19:5) and dependent on Israel's faithfulness. The words of Jesus also support this when he says that a marriage is conditional upon the faithfulness of the parties involved (Matthew 19:1-12). While God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), He allowed for it because of the hardness of our hearts (Matthew 19). If there was ever a situation in which that applies, it is with my divorce. With one party being unwilling to reconcile, I do not believe that I am bound (1 Corinthians 5:17). Some would say that this is limited only to when a believer's unbelieving spouse is unwilling to reconcile. I also believe this. This is one of those unfortunate instances when you have to be careful to uphold the spirit of the law and not get locked into hair splitting and to not judge any party involved. When the Bible is clear about what is sin and what is not, we let the Word of God speak on that, but judging the intent of a person's heart is reserved only for God. In my personal opinion (I greatly want to emphasize here that this is my own personal opinion, but an opinion that I think is informed by Scripture), the offending spouse does not have an option to consider. The Bible is very clear that if the offended spouse wants to reconcile, the offending spouse (if a believer and walking with the Lord), does not have the biblical option to simply walk away. However, the offended spouse retains the biblical option, per the words of Christ Himself, to end the marriage if he or she so chooses. Obviously, this is not a decision to make lightly because as was said before, God hates divorce. However, I do believe that if an offended spouse's mate is unwilling to reconcile, they are simply not bound. With those things being said, I can honestly say that I am justified in making the decision to move on with my life. I am not bound. As I said, there are many people who keep reminding me that the covenant between me and my wife still remains, but if she is unwilling to reconcile, I don't think that is the case. And frankly, as far as the state is concerned, the rest is just paperwork.
I know that many of you care about me and only want to see God healing my marriage, but I think we are passed the point of that and my prayer time and Bible reading have led me to believe that the focus right now should be on me “rebooting” my life, of me getting a job, of finding a community of believers that I can grow with, of moving once again out on my own, of getting a new car (the Jetta just passed 150,000 miles), and of letting God heal my heart.

One of the things that has really helped me in the past few months is music. When I was a child, my parents listened to country and I grew up riding in the backseat of the car singing along to Alabama, Crystal Gale, Barbara Mandrell, The Statler Brothers, The Oak Ridge Boys, etc. Around the time my Dad died, I began to listen to pop, which soon turned into a passion for hard rock and heavy metal and later on to grunge. I joke now that I can listen and appreciate everything from Mozart to Metallica. Lately though, the genre of music that has captured the way I feel has been country and there is no better song to express almost exactly the way I feel than this song by Sara Evans. I posted it on my Facebook wall, but I want to post it again here so that all of you can listen and maybe understand my heart about my marriage a little more. God bless you all.

Relocating Back To NC

It’s been a tough few weeks, but I have finally made some major decisions. As soon as possible, I will be relocating back to my home state of North Carolina. I have spent a lot of time praying and thinking about this and what this simply comes down to is that I have many more friends and family in NC than I do in Ohio and I would like to see and spend more time with them. For the time being, I will be staying with my Mom and Stepdad until I get a job and a new place to live and I will probably be looking down more toward the Charlotte area for both of those. I hope to be down there as soon as I can get things squared away here and I will be renting a truck and driving back up to Ohio on April 4th to pick up anything that I cannot fit in the Jetta.

It’s a bittersweet moment for me. I’ve told people that I’m not so much doing this because I want to, but because it is the best choice for me and the choice that I feel like I should make. I’m leaving behind some things and people that are very important to me, but it’s time that I leave some things and people behind and move forward. It’s been a crazy few months. And I’m ready to come home.

Kanye West - Heartless

My Psalm

In the tradition of King David, consider this my Psalm. These are my feelings and nothing else.

I have had a lot of people ask me in recent days how I am doing. The truth is that I never know how to answer that question. How would you feel if the woman you loved after 11 years no longer wants to be with you, when you’ve tried everything that you know to “fix” the situation only to discover that it cannot be fixed? There have been many, many people that have simply put their arms around me and cried with me, and almost all of them have been from my church. I am so grateful to my friends at True Hope who have loved me and prayed for me during this very difficult time.

And then there’s these people…these other people…these…no words I have for them (yet)…that try to disguise themselves as “angels of light,” but they judge you and give the absolute worst advice that I’ve ever heard of. You know who you are. Someone once told me in the beginning of all of this that I would find out who my true friends and family are through all of this and the truth is that I have done that. There are people who have whispered behind my back about songs that I have put on Facebook that have “curse” words in them, but they have never tried to understand how I feel and maybe try and realize that the only words for how I feel are those forbidden words that no one in Christian circles thinks you should ever utter (even though Paul uttered them in Greek, but I digress) even when that is exactly how you feel. And I’m still waiting for these people (who call themselves Christians, by the way) to come to me and either confront me about whatever problem I have or sin that they think that I have committed against them or apologize to me for bringing up my “sin” to someone else in violation of Scripture.
There are people that have been silent about decisions that have been made and behavior that has happened that is far from biblical and frankly, just plain sinful.

So do all of you want to know the truth about how I am feeling? Well, let me put it to you this way: The love of my life no longer wants to be with me, my career is effectively over before it even got started, I have no job and I live in a state where I have no family and very few close friends, and some of the very people that I have counted as friends and family have effectively stabbed me in the back or not even bothered to even call me to find out how I’m doing. I’ve had “friends” send me messages on Facebook that are oh so cheery and I know they have talked about me behind my back. I’ve been misunderstood, shafted, maligned, betrayed, and left alone most of the time to wallow in my tears. So how do I feel? I’m angry…very angry. I’m hurt that people would not pick up a phone or even send me an email to find out just how I’m doing. Most of the time, I just feel…abandoned.

I told someone on the phone the other night that I did not know one person who had been through what I have been through…ever. That’s not true at all. There is one person. In a nutshell, I feel like Jesus. All of these things happened to Him, too. I don’t want to over over-spiritualize this because I don’t want to make this saccharin-sweet, but I’ve never felt closer to Him. Even in the midst of my despair, anger, and hurt, there really is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother. He is my Deliver, even when (and especially when) your so-called friends and family turn their back on you or smile in your face while they stab you in the back.

So if I sound angry, I am. If I sound bitter, I am. And before you accuse me of being sinful, just know that I am working out my salvation with fear and trembling before God. I try and do my best in His grace and strength to give Him my anger, hurt, and fears every morning and many times throughout the day. I am learning that “you can have all of this world. Just give me Jesus.”

Thank you to those of you that have kept in touch and sent an email, a text, or made a phone call to see how I’m doing. They do mean a lot. But now you know how I’m doing and I know that things are not going to turn around for me anytime really soon so your prayers are appreciated. I am mulling over some very big decisions. It looks like in the next few weeks (I’m not sure when), I’ll be re-locating to somewhere other than Ohio, at least that’s what it looks like. My home state of North Carolina is the most likely place, but specifically where, I don't know yet, but I’m sure I’ll be around Hickory a while before I find my bearings. For those of you that are left here in Ohio that have chosen to point your fingers, consider these words from one of our nation’s beloved Presidents.



For those of you that are still with me and want to know how I feel, this is pretty much it:



Godspeed,

David

Life With A Mic Episode 81

Going Public

As you know if you have read this blog, I have been going through a very tough time recently.  I am finally able to talk some about this situation.  Below is the note I posted on Facebook yesterday:

Dear Friends and Family,

For the past few months, I have been involuntarily placed in a difficult circumstance and have been forced to make some extremely difficult decisions. I am very saddened and heart-broken to inform you that three months ago, Kandice decided to separate from our marriage.

I’m sure that many of you will have questions regarding this. Publicly, I only want to say that I have made every attempt on my part to reconcile our marriage. Kandice’s decision was and is hers and hers alone. Privately, if you would like to message me, I will answer any questions or concerns that you might have.

I also want to tell all of you how much I have agonized over going public with this revelation. This decision has resulted from the counsel of many of my close friends and family in the past few months. There have many tears, a lot of anger, a lot of frustration, and a lot of prayer. Unless you have walked this road, you truly cannot understand the pain that is involved. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and that includes the death of my father. Although Kandice’s decision to separate from our marriage was hers and hers alone, the decision and the responsibilities that lie with going public with this information rest very heavy on me and me alone.

As this process continues to unfold, I am asking all of you to please pray for both of us during this very difficult time and please feel free to offer any advice and encouragement you feel lead to give. There are many long and short-term decisions that need to be made and I need the wisdom of God and the people around me to make the best decisions that I can.

I still believe that the only hope that any of us have is the hope of Christ that comes from His salvation alone. Although there have been times in the past three months that I have doubted that, the ministry of the Holy Spirit directly in my life and through my friends and family have consistently confirmed to me that “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4 ESV).

Thank you all in advance,

David McDowell

Love....What is it?

I took some time yesterday to get alone with God.  I actually wanted to do something much more formal, like a one or two day spiritual retreat away from the house, but money and car issues have taken precedence. Unemployment hasn't kicked in yet (at least I haven't received any money yet) and I had to put $450 into my car, only to find out that the head is cracked.  It's not dead, but its in hospice.

I needed to just clear my head. I went to downtown Canton to the library where I finally finished Blue Like Jazz. This really has nothing to do with my post today, but I've read mixed reviews of the book and it kept popping up on my radar, so I read it.  I was not sure what to expect, but because of  all the criticism I had heard about it, I found myself looking for something wrong with it...but I never found it.  I found just the opposite.  Miller moved me, honestly to tears.  I think people were offended by his candor, but this book is the "Christian" book that speaks for my generation.  He makes an incredible point of how we, as American Christians, use love as a commodity.  I won't spoil the rest of it for you, but I think, love it or hate it, you should read the book, and I don't say that about a lot of books.

I then read the Gospel of John from beginning until the end.  I was moved again, by the story of Jesus being presented as the Son of God.  I was moved by how many times that He compared Himself to food or wine and how He poured Himself out to God in the Garden of Gethsemane.  It was like He wanted me to eat and drink deeply from His body.  Again, I was moved to tears.  I began to think about love and what it is and what it means to love.  I wrote a text to my wife and quoted it in my journal: "The truth is that I don't delight in God or love Him like I should...I certainly don't love my fellow human beings like I should.  I'm a selfish bastard who screams and wines like a brat that doesn't get his way."  I said many other things that are much more shocking to come from a "preacher's" mouth. 

The past few months have been...hell.  The hardest season ever of life for me.  Some of you know why; most of you don't.  Yesterday was the first really good day I've had in a long time.  I finally admitted some things to myself.  I'm raw and wounded and I need to rest in the love and grace of God right now.  I've got to rediscover God's love...again...in a much deeper and meaningful way.  When you read this, please don't email me with your formula for this because I have learned, rather harshly in the past three months, that like Frodo Baggins and his "one ring to rule them all," this is my burden to bear.  There are no gimmicks, no forumulas, no equations...just a strong desire to once again experience love.

Unemployed Again

This past Thursday was my final day employed at my temp job.  I can't really complain.  My 1-3 month long project turned into a 15 month project.  I've received many questions about what my future plans are.  Considering everything that is going on in my personal life, that is very hard to say.  I am still thinking and praying about what my next steps will be but one idea is to try and do some substitute teaching.  I sent off today for transcripts so that I can begin this process.  Prayers for me are still very much appreciated and I will be doing more blogging while I am not working (for money). I also will have new episodes of Life With A Mic and The Sound of Theos very soon.