A Little Bit Stonger

There has been some recent debate on my Facebook wall about some religious and political issues and I want to write a full blog post on that, but first of all, I wanted to blog just about some things on my heart.

Thank you to all of you who have continued to pray for me and my situation. I have now relocated back to North Carolina and I am temporarily staying with my parents until I can find a more permanent living situation. Speaking of, I have been looking for work around here and it is just as tough, if not tougher than Ohio, to find work here. I think that a lot of companies are intimidated by the Masters Degree and when you apply online, which most places require now, you're not able to give a good reason why you are applying for a customer service position when you have a Masters in Religion. I did have a good phone interview with a company on Friday, so we'll see how that plays out, but I really need prayer right now that I can find a job. Having a job right now would solve a lot of problems that are happening.

Those of you that have ever felt the compulsion to write know that a writer doesn't just write because it's his or her job. Writers write because they have to. What I have found in my own life is that, like a good batch of Carolina moonshine, my thoughts take a while to distill before I can put them on paper, even in my personal journal. So here are some of my thoughts as of late. Some of them are very raw,

I have many well-intentioned people tell me to remain in prayer about my marriage, that somehow it might be able to be saved. I know that God is in the miracle working business, but often people say things to me that at least imply that if I have enough faith, my marriage can be saved. The problem is not lack of faith on my part. I have no doubt that my marriage could be saved, but it requires the willingness of both parties. My wife has simply just been unwilling to reconcile. When you give your heart to someone and it is ripped to shreds, at some point, you decide that you need to take that heart back to keep further damage from happening. That's where I'm at right now. I've taken my heart back and I'm trying to put bandages on it until God can allow me to be in a place where it can be healed.

I have had people speak to me about covenants. Most of them share the idea with me that covenants are sacred promises that cannot be broken...ever. The problem with this line of thinking is that they fail to understand that there are different types of covenants. In other words, when we use the word “covenant,” we use it to mean many different things. The biggest example that people usually use toward me is that God made a covenant with Israel and despite Israel's behavior, he will keep his end of the covenant. While that is true, the only unconditional part of the covenant was that God would not change. He makes it very clear that the covenant is conditional (Genesis 17:10-14, Exodus 19:5) and dependent on Israel's faithfulness. The words of Jesus also support this when he says that a marriage is conditional upon the faithfulness of the parties involved (Matthew 19:1-12). While God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), He allowed for it because of the hardness of our hearts (Matthew 19). If there was ever a situation in which that applies, it is with my divorce. With one party being unwilling to reconcile, I do not believe that I am bound (1 Corinthians 5:17). Some would say that this is limited only to when a believer's unbelieving spouse is unwilling to reconcile. I also believe this. This is one of those unfortunate instances when you have to be careful to uphold the spirit of the law and not get locked into hair splitting and to not judge any party involved. When the Bible is clear about what is sin and what is not, we let the Word of God speak on that, but judging the intent of a person's heart is reserved only for God. In my personal opinion (I greatly want to emphasize here that this is my own personal opinion, but an opinion that I think is informed by Scripture), the offending spouse does not have an option to consider. The Bible is very clear that if the offended spouse wants to reconcile, the offending spouse (if a believer and walking with the Lord), does not have the biblical option to simply walk away. However, the offended spouse retains the biblical option, per the words of Christ Himself, to end the marriage if he or she so chooses. Obviously, this is not a decision to make lightly because as was said before, God hates divorce. However, I do believe that if an offended spouse's mate is unwilling to reconcile, they are simply not bound. With those things being said, I can honestly say that I am justified in making the decision to move on with my life. I am not bound. As I said, there are many people who keep reminding me that the covenant between me and my wife still remains, but if she is unwilling to reconcile, I don't think that is the case. And frankly, as far as the state is concerned, the rest is just paperwork.
I know that many of you care about me and only want to see God healing my marriage, but I think we are passed the point of that and my prayer time and Bible reading have led me to believe that the focus right now should be on me “rebooting” my life, of me getting a job, of finding a community of believers that I can grow with, of moving once again out on my own, of getting a new car (the Jetta just passed 150,000 miles), and of letting God heal my heart.

One of the things that has really helped me in the past few months is music. When I was a child, my parents listened to country and I grew up riding in the backseat of the car singing along to Alabama, Crystal Gale, Barbara Mandrell, The Statler Brothers, The Oak Ridge Boys, etc. Around the time my Dad died, I began to listen to pop, which soon turned into a passion for hard rock and heavy metal and later on to grunge. I joke now that I can listen and appreciate everything from Mozart to Metallica. Lately though, the genre of music that has captured the way I feel has been country and there is no better song to express almost exactly the way I feel than this song by Sara Evans. I posted it on my Facebook wall, but I want to post it again here so that all of you can listen and maybe understand my heart about my marriage a little more. God bless you all.