Love....What is it?

I took some time yesterday to get alone with God.  I actually wanted to do something much more formal, like a one or two day spiritual retreat away from the house, but money and car issues have taken precedence. Unemployment hasn't kicked in yet (at least I haven't received any money yet) and I had to put $450 into my car, only to find out that the head is cracked.  It's not dead, but its in hospice.

I needed to just clear my head. I went to downtown Canton to the library where I finally finished Blue Like Jazz. This really has nothing to do with my post today, but I've read mixed reviews of the book and it kept popping up on my radar, so I read it.  I was not sure what to expect, but because of  all the criticism I had heard about it, I found myself looking for something wrong with it...but I never found it.  I found just the opposite.  Miller moved me, honestly to tears.  I think people were offended by his candor, but this book is the "Christian" book that speaks for my generation.  He makes an incredible point of how we, as American Christians, use love as a commodity.  I won't spoil the rest of it for you, but I think, love it or hate it, you should read the book, and I don't say that about a lot of books.

I then read the Gospel of John from beginning until the end.  I was moved again, by the story of Jesus being presented as the Son of God.  I was moved by how many times that He compared Himself to food or wine and how He poured Himself out to God in the Garden of Gethsemane.  It was like He wanted me to eat and drink deeply from His body.  Again, I was moved to tears.  I began to think about love and what it is and what it means to love.  I wrote a text to my wife and quoted it in my journal: "The truth is that I don't delight in God or love Him like I should...I certainly don't love my fellow human beings like I should.  I'm a selfish bastard who screams and wines like a brat that doesn't get his way."  I said many other things that are much more shocking to come from a "preacher's" mouth. 

The past few months have been...hell.  The hardest season ever of life for me.  Some of you know why; most of you don't.  Yesterday was the first really good day I've had in a long time.  I finally admitted some things to myself.  I'm raw and wounded and I need to rest in the love and grace of God right now.  I've got to rediscover God's love...again...in a much deeper and meaningful way.  When you read this, please don't email me with your formula for this because I have learned, rather harshly in the past three months, that like Frodo Baggins and his "one ring to rule them all," this is my burden to bear.  There are no gimmicks, no forumulas, no equations...just a strong desire to once again experience love.