Going Public

As you know if you have read this blog, I have been going through a very tough time recently.  I am finally able to talk some about this situation.  Below is the note I posted on Facebook yesterday:

Dear Friends and Family,

For the past few months, I have been involuntarily placed in a difficult circumstance and have been forced to make some extremely difficult decisions. I am very saddened and heart-broken to inform you that three months ago, Kandice decided to separate from our marriage.

I’m sure that many of you will have questions regarding this. Publicly, I only want to say that I have made every attempt on my part to reconcile our marriage. Kandice’s decision was and is hers and hers alone. Privately, if you would like to message me, I will answer any questions or concerns that you might have.

I also want to tell all of you how much I have agonized over going public with this revelation. This decision has resulted from the counsel of many of my close friends and family in the past few months. There have many tears, a lot of anger, a lot of frustration, and a lot of prayer. Unless you have walked this road, you truly cannot understand the pain that is involved. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and that includes the death of my father. Although Kandice’s decision to separate from our marriage was hers and hers alone, the decision and the responsibilities that lie with going public with this information rest very heavy on me and me alone.

As this process continues to unfold, I am asking all of you to please pray for both of us during this very difficult time and please feel free to offer any advice and encouragement you feel lead to give. There are many long and short-term decisions that need to be made and I need the wisdom of God and the people around me to make the best decisions that I can.

I still believe that the only hope that any of us have is the hope of Christ that comes from His salvation alone. Although there have been times in the past three months that I have doubted that, the ministry of the Holy Spirit directly in my life and through my friends and family have consistently confirmed to me that “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4 ESV).

Thank you all in advance,

David McDowell

Love....What is it?

I took some time yesterday to get alone with God.  I actually wanted to do something much more formal, like a one or two day spiritual retreat away from the house, but money and car issues have taken precedence. Unemployment hasn't kicked in yet (at least I haven't received any money yet) and I had to put $450 into my car, only to find out that the head is cracked.  It's not dead, but its in hospice.

I needed to just clear my head. I went to downtown Canton to the library where I finally finished Blue Like Jazz. This really has nothing to do with my post today, but I've read mixed reviews of the book and it kept popping up on my radar, so I read it.  I was not sure what to expect, but because of  all the criticism I had heard about it, I found myself looking for something wrong with it...but I never found it.  I found just the opposite.  Miller moved me, honestly to tears.  I think people were offended by his candor, but this book is the "Christian" book that speaks for my generation.  He makes an incredible point of how we, as American Christians, use love as a commodity.  I won't spoil the rest of it for you, but I think, love it or hate it, you should read the book, and I don't say that about a lot of books.

I then read the Gospel of John from beginning until the end.  I was moved again, by the story of Jesus being presented as the Son of God.  I was moved by how many times that He compared Himself to food or wine and how He poured Himself out to God in the Garden of Gethsemane.  It was like He wanted me to eat and drink deeply from His body.  Again, I was moved to tears.  I began to think about love and what it is and what it means to love.  I wrote a text to my wife and quoted it in my journal: "The truth is that I don't delight in God or love Him like I should...I certainly don't love my fellow human beings like I should.  I'm a selfish bastard who screams and wines like a brat that doesn't get his way."  I said many other things that are much more shocking to come from a "preacher's" mouth. 

The past few months have been...hell.  The hardest season ever of life for me.  Some of you know why; most of you don't.  Yesterday was the first really good day I've had in a long time.  I finally admitted some things to myself.  I'm raw and wounded and I need to rest in the love and grace of God right now.  I've got to rediscover God's love...again...in a much deeper and meaningful way.  When you read this, please don't email me with your formula for this because I have learned, rather harshly in the past three months, that like Frodo Baggins and his "one ring to rule them all," this is my burden to bear.  There are no gimmicks, no forumulas, no equations...just a strong desire to once again experience love.

Unemployed Again

This past Thursday was my final day employed at my temp job.  I can't really complain.  My 1-3 month long project turned into a 15 month project.  I've received many questions about what my future plans are.  Considering everything that is going on in my personal life, that is very hard to say.  I am still thinking and praying about what my next steps will be but one idea is to try and do some substitute teaching.  I sent off today for transcripts so that I can begin this process.  Prayers for me are still very much appreciated and I will be doing more blogging while I am not working (for money). I also will have new episodes of Life With A Mic and The Sound of Theos very soon.